HOT WHEELS AND HAZY DREAMS........................:

im: about ten years old
listening to: 1979-smashing pumpkins

today, i reclaimed a piece of my childhood..one of glorious sunshine and heart-felt laughter..one of the very best in fact..but before i get to that i need to detail my day..wch was fukcing awful..work dragged on threatening to squeeze the life out of me..then journo class..uninspiring and pointless..the highpoint of the day being that i managed to get some writng done aftr a long time in office..so i guess the blocks been unblocked..so i reach home, n surprise, theres 2 brand new miniature cars parked proudly on my dining table..a red corvette n a blue ladybug..not exactly pedegreed racemachines but these are genuine HOtWheels..!! how many grandprix aftrnoons have i spent racing these mini-monsters down imagined dark alleys and self-barricaded roads?? mom sez theyre for my nephew..but do i care really? the last two hours ive spent making a race track worth evry second i invested in it..theres barricades, theres ramps, theres lil cave things, tunnels, bumps, the works..there even a lil pool with two lil guppies swimming in it..theres traffic lights, skyscrapers, pedestrians, other cars, n a dilapidated teddybear thats supposed to b godzilla for when i wanan play ths other game im a lil embarassed to describe..but it involves superman..n who can pull off red underwear better than urs truly..?? but anywy..i had a helluva time with those cars..jeez its awesome wht two sets of wheels n a pretend-engine can do for a man..i havnt felt this good in ages..sure i still wanan kill myself but thats coz my life sucks otherwise..god i cnt evn wipe the smile off my face wen i say that..! life is beautiful isnt it..if mom takes my cars away..then ill kill myself..rite now i dont hav time to worry abt it though coz im just too fast, too furious..hehe..

.............RUM, REMINISCES AND REDUNDANT RE-RUNS...................

im: pretty sick and drinking
listening to: PJ harvey & thom yorke-this mess we're in

im becoming one of those bloggers who post things like hi im gloomy..or im washing my cats hair..wch is sad really..i wish i had like a cool theory to discuss or a cause to advocate but im sad n pretty much evrybdy who reads ths has to b sad too so id say im in non-judgemental company wch is a really unique experience..i dint go to work partly coz im sicker than a can of worms n mostly coz i hate work..but ths coughs really bad n its startng to worry me hope its not lung cancer or somthng..thatd make a bad epitah wouldnt it..here lies a smoker..yeah my dad would hate that too..hey im sure most of u hav heard tht thing abt the best thing for a fever being a shot of brandy right..well i found a bottle of rum someplace i cant name..coz it involves cupboards of ppl of respectable character unlike me..but anywy rum doesnt help..not three quarters of the bottle anwy..well definitly not wt paracetamol..wch is my profound thought of the day..wht it did do tho was giv me occassion to make out-station phone calls and incur the gonna-happen-wrath of out-station father who will b mad wen he gets back..i spent pretty much the whole day watching t.v..lettng the cable television wash over me..very glad sehwag made 200 n dravid 100 n theyre still not out n best of all its agnst pakistan wch is like santa claus n his hot helper coming to visit..has anybdy noticed how sitcoms r unblvbly redundant these days? evrythng has such a set format..its unblvble..teen kids n parents who dont get along..couples want to hav kids but cnt..rich husband may go to prison for financial crime but need not do if he sells his house but spoiled wife would rather spend than mend..rich girls n boys wantng to find the meaning of life..parents coming to visit middleaged couple..gay jokes..drag jokes..pampered pets..its all so identical..even the punchlines r the same..if u think abt it the only show tts really managed to stay different n true is 'six feet under'..i gotta say its an awesome show n it doesnt really borrow or mix n match frm other shows..the humor is mostly satirical thn slap stick..its thought provoking n some of the relatnships r especially intricate n detailed..like the black cop n the guy..i rarely rembr names of show charcters but theyre all well done..i really like the sister too..thou the boyfriend is sliding into the stereotype..the sopranos of course is good as alwys but theres only so much mafia i cn watch.yes im only tht much of a man..besides it doesnt fit into sitcom genre does it? even 6 feet for tht matter come to think of it..ok sticking to the funnies, i think both 'coupling' n 'the office' r hilarious original shows..ok coupling maybe kinda done before but theyre both still extremly funny..the office is just cynical delight..its humour blacker than the devils coffee..its awesome n i love the movie kinda film its done on..such a relief to see tht on tv..n how the fat guy keeps lookin at the camera is just laugh-out-loud..thts the diff between british n american comedy really isnt it..i like hw much more tongue-in-cheek n rowdy these brits r..look at em ud not evn imagne theyre capable of a joke but theyre just friggin funny innit..ok bad one but even 'the kumars at no.42'..thts a very funny show..very brit..and 'nightynight'..is ths the emancipation of blimey?? heh im so funny i shld write a sitcom..hehe but no seriously i think americn shows hav outlived their TRPs..we need more bbc here..one show i was just startng to like wen it got taken off the air was 'mind of the married man'.. i know lil repetitive tht one but i likd it..that guys really funny n great title track..n the wifeys really cute plus its really funny..now heres somthng thts going to lose me my street cred..if i ahv any..'desperate housewives'?? lame-nation agreed but its aired wednsedays i think here..n its just a great way to ease sexual tension i hav to say..its just the right time..middle of the week..last weeknd was so long ago, next ones too far away, lifes really got u by the balls n suddenly heres two great looking women (i only like teri hatcher n the hispanic chick-though anything will do really) talking abt all kinds of dirty things..plus teri hatcher is hot..besides its great wt its done for these stupid lil rich girls who watch it wt so much devotion..i love nothing more thn a tanned out surrounded-by-poverty-n-deprivation rich indian chick who lives in tt kind of delusion..its so funny u just wanna rip their eys out n say wake up bitch..i mean its so cool tt they giv me more reasons to hate em evryday..oh n ths new show 'the OC' thts just been dumped on our third world asses via satellite..has anybdy figured out wt the kids problem is..? i dont get it..ok so evryones rich he thinks hes tough ..ok..this girl likes him..hes got a friend whos kindof a prep-geek combo..but wt really is the problem here? y does he alwys walk around like he wants to poop? whats wt the face? is tht like brooding n dark? coz i thought he just wanted to poop..well n good if it helps some ipod listening designer wearing freak from lodhi gardens identify n feel misunderstood n tough..but really hw many of us even need shit like that here..? we're a lil more individualistic thn that arent v? awful awful pukey show that..talking of puking..ths rum does not feel good in my stomach..oh n i hav to mention..whts all this fuss abt pete doherty ? hes not the first musician to get hooked on coke..or the first one to see a model..n kate moss is a model for all models n proof tht god doth exist..but seriously theres all ths ppl going opn abt waste of a brilliant talent..? ive heard all of the libertines music..n babyshambles most of it..n pete doherty is hardly great..musically hes not evn a gallagher or bowie n heres people comparing him to leenon n harison..now the order those names hav been mentioned does not indicate wt i think of them but this scale ive made to guage artists based on a mix of commercial success n talent..i think we really need to stop overratng our icons..i realize its hard living in a world without any real heroes so vre alwys feeling this constant need to amke ourslves one..but mebe if v just stop trying then real heroes will emerge out of the gloom..as for doherty, hes just a star-struck singer on abad trip..leave him alone n he'll die or come back from the dead..mebe evn giv us a great album as he is..but the point being leave him alone..he doesnt desrve the praise being heaped on him neither does he hav the talent to shoulder the burden..as for kate moss, u know my number babe..its hard being in a long distance relatnship..u just say the lamest things n ur not even ashamed of it..i think ill go kil myself now..

KILLER COCKTAIL - INSOMNIA, OASIS AND EFFEMINITY...........:::::

im: fat and ugly
listening to: oasis- sad song

two very strange things r going on in my life right now..one, my absolute inability to sleep is assuming humogous proportions..ive slept a grand total of eight hours in three nights today..wch cnt be good..nothing helps..these dark-pools under my eyes just seep lower like dampness down a wall on a rainy day..luckily for me i have some music i havnt heard in a while..so totady i woke up at 4 and switched on the comp..n listened to three hours of old oasis stuff..the good stuff.before the gallaghers decided they were more pop culture fighter cocks than musicians..not that their music is not awesome now but i like the old stuff better..scary thing number2 thats going down is im becoming more of a woman evryday..its not evn funny anymore..like yestday i was watching this live 8 documentary..wt performances by u2 coldplay madonna bon jovi et all wt clips of starving african kids in between n statemnts by the singers themselves abt ending poverty..i guess most ppl would feel pretty bad right then..but i felt so bad this flush crawled up my cheek n blossomed into a tear at the corner of my eye..i cried watchng live 8! a concept i dont evn like..a fiasco i deride n decry as hypocritical..a big multi-million farce..n i still think it is..but i cried..wch scares me..the worst was yet to come..at nite yestrday i sat thru one of the worst movies ive ever seen..'somethings gotta give'..i mean its just gross to hear jack nicholson say things like 'ive nevr seen a woman tht old naked before'..thts not funny..once a woman hits 40 u dont wanan knw abt her sex life..on top of wch theres keanu stone-faced reeves (he doesnt seem to get that hes finally out of the matrix) trying to seduce the same old woman..who ought to spank him really for being a sick pervert but no she has to liplock wt him too..its a classic bad movie..something id set the movie screen on fire for playing..wen i used to be a man..but no, yest i sat thru it n even managed to hum along to the theme..there was this brain part of me saying dude change channels wt the fuck u doing?? but theres this wierd emotional part saying, aww cute geriatric fucks..wen the credits rolled i had to look in my boxers to check evrythn was where it should be..wch is still not as bad as the worst which i keep saying was yet to happen..now u knw i was listening to oasis from 4 am to 7 am today morn rt..aftr wch i switched on the telly agen..this movie called the yards was just startng..mark wahlberg n charlize theron in urban-goth mode n short hair..shes unblvbly hot but i decided to watch it coz i heard its about the streets..its not a bad movie.wasnt quite wt i hoped..it was abt the corrupt system n wahlberg changing his attitudes..but in between theres ths part where charlizes mom finds out shes been killed..n down poured the teardrops agen!! wt the fuck is going on dear god? is this punishmnt for somthing i did coz i cnt rembr doing anythng at all in a while..r u sure u got the right guy? its like somebdy opened this huge emotional tap n now the water gotta flow till its all gone..empty my tank like..its scary..so scary that ive decided to go play ball in the evening..n listen to some 50 cent if i cn bring myself to break down the wonderwall around me just now..

....................SELF-HELP IS THE BEST HELP.............

im: on a beer-buzzzzz!!
listening to: foo fighters-resolve

yesterday i found myself at an alcoholics-drugaddicts-selfhelp group meeting as a result of a chain of events i dont care enuff to elaborate about..what i wld like to tell u though is abt wht happened there..im trying my best not to run out screaming and listening to these really self-righteous ppl make speeches rt..these r the 'counsellors'..hav u evr noticed how social workers r more thn a little big-headed..?they act like theyre god -like ur so much lesser thn them for not wasting our lives on altruistic bullshit that doesnt rly get anyone anywre anywy..jeez i hav so much other stuff to waste my life on..like drugs and alcohol.its a vicous cycle..so anywy here i am pretending to listen n suddenly ths guy on my right starts off on a coughing fit..the speaker quips abt all the passive smoke he spat out somethng-i didnt get it but evrybdy laughed..this guy keeps coughing..hes got one of those chain-smoker coughs..u start off n cnt stop till u burn a hole in ur chest..i sympathised, i get it like twenty nine times a day, n he sopits a big goiry chunk of red-brown phlegm on to his hanky, folds it n puts it back in his pocket n manages a smile in the genral direction of thoroughly-grossed-out-me..wht the heck i think, as long as he doesnt touch me..n suddenly the guy on the other side starts coughing n the sorry drama is repeated with a twist..a great mass of phlegm swirled n twirled its way strt onto the floor..whatevr..wen suddenly the speaker sez hey so we hav a couple of ppl here whove been rehabliatted from prison..n 3 very shady looking guyys in front stand up..now oi had my i-wanna-b-a-gangsta phase too but this is the real shit man..they hav bruises all over, scars but their eyes r the worst..they just look plain hollow..scary as fuck..n they sit down..n im still cool..tho im dying for a ciggie..n the speaker goes..we also have 2 HIV positive brothers here..n the cough-brothers stand up..i was flanked on either side by two hiv postive ppl applauded by a 30 plus crowd of delinquents..i freaked..now u havto undertsnd i hav nothng agnst hiv people..i feel very bad for them its too bad but look ive nvr met a patient before..ok so all the natural shit came floating into my head..the coughing..the phlegm..n im educated n i know theyd hav to bend a lot more than they did to cough to pass it on to me but its still scary..so i just sit there to scared to breathe..soon the groups r split up n we sit around in circles of 8 or 10 or somthing..co-incdentally all four of them are in my grioup, some other social-work-enthu kids n athe councellor n me..n the jailbird starts to sing..the one on parole..on n on he went abt hw long hes been mistreated by society n how evrythngs all the societys fault..whoa!now im obvsly a lil confused here..the societys fault? what the hell did we do? did he get punished for saomthing he didnt do? nope. he whacked a guy on the head, stabbed his wife and ran with their jewellery but its the societys fault tt he was caught n punished..i look around n evrybdys nodding sadly..u know..the sad nod..i think tts wen i decided to get the hell out..i cn understnd poverty and starvation n fuck all but its no way the societys at fault for somthing u do..if it were the case, india would have more theives n killers than civillians given our state of wealth distribution..and heres a room full of ppl trying to get hima job donate money take him to a movie coz he was caught doing wht he did on a supposed moment of desperation..wt if they hadnt caught him? then wht? hed b much richer thn most of us there to start wt..secodndly if society drove him to doing it, n hes so stuck on fairness, is he going to divide the money among the society? i think not. i think hed hav fucked off n taken a room in the Taj till the money ran out then go stealing agen..so why is it that wen hes caught its our fault? pisses me off this kind of anti-hero glorification..it started wt amitab bachan movies n hes half-dead and fully grey, but we havnt stoppped..as for the hiv guys, i wish i cld do somthing to help..but u cn b the healthiest person on earth but u dont cough into someones face..its just not done..i dont knw hw they contracted the disease..but it wsnt handed down from their moms ..wch means somehwere down the lane they got damn careless..needle, no condom whatevr, they were careless..wch doesnt make them any more desrvng of the damn disease..just that they too had this theory of being mistreated by society..how as a sick person they shld b treated wt more respect n love..wake up man! ur not alone..who exactly is treated wt the respect an individual deserves? nobody..so hwy do u ahv special rights..theyre living free of cost in a priest home..and giving us this shit..if u ask me theyve got a good thing going..they shld b thankful for evrythng tts been done to make their lives a lil bettr..not bitch n whine n use their problems to rob charity money off us..there are kids n babies n women doing a lot worse n this charade will only deny help to them..the whole i-deserve-more-from-society is a greater eye wash than live8 is u ask me..if u think the society of govt or individuals owe u more than wt u have then ur screwed..thats the beginign of the end..ur not getting anywhere wt that atitude..self-help is the best help..

...................WHITHER MASCULINITY ???...........................

im : scared shitless
listening to: nirvana-lithium

today was awful..first of all u shld knw im poorly paid..like really bad..n i feel icky asking my parents for money so the pittance i get shld get me thru a month of ciggies,alcoholism, auto, marijuana induced pastry-n-doughnut binges, phone bill, lunch...right n i alwys fall short by the 20th n pretty much grope my way thru the darkness to payday..keeping all that in mind today i walked into this really cheap-but-cool clothes store n fucked self-suffiecieny to death..i mean i totally made a complete mess of any illusion of financial independence i mite have been able to build up in the last few months by spending like half my income on a pair of cargos ive been wantng for a while n this shirt i just liked..ive alwys been an impulsive person..but impulse-buys? i think not..not freaking clothes anywy..so im definitly broke before break AND im turning into a girl..if thts not a bad day i dont know wt is..not tht theres anythng wrong wt women..i love women..on a physical level anywy..but the thought of sprouting boobs n sitting down to pee after 21 yrs of phallic glee is just depressing..and freaky..n its not just the shopping..couple of days ago i called up a guy i hardly know from office n talked for ten whole minutes abt nothing at all..just like that..i felt bored n called up someone..! an affinity for telephone n shopping-now tHAts a worrisome combination..n its not even just that..some days before that i caught myself watchng that celebrity oops thing on tv..somethng abt desperate housewives' pets..the whole show..30 minutes of unbridled feminine mediocrity..plus these days im not even interested in women..hardcore porn n not a peep out of me..i dont knw if i cn live wt myself anymore..theyre gonna put Ms/Mrs before my name on my passport..ill have to go to the loo wt the queen's pic on the door at bars..n worst of all, i cant wear boxers anymore..im gonna miss u lil man..im sorry i let u down so badly..so my thoughts r pretty much along these lines on the bus home..n im standing..theres an empty seat next to this lady but i dont knw somehw ur not allowed to sit next to women..they assume all men r out to molest them or somethng..so three of us guys r standing lookin wistfully at the seat and swearing unabashedly at the unfairness of it all..n she smiles n gestures to me to sit..i turn arnd n check shes talkin to me..yup..i looked around agen n couple of women from other seats clucked n nodded n smiled encouragment at me to go on n sit..one of the last men standing patted me on my back n pushed me along..it was like an initiation..like they were formally accepting me into womanhood..like it wasnt just a seat on a crowded bus, they were really inviting me to claim my rightful place in the court of Venus..i mean i thought i looked tougher thn both the other guys.. if anybdy cld hav molested tt woman it cldve been me..but she asked me to sit..she picked me out of the horny trinity..like she knew my dirty secret..that beneath scowl n bald head, football n beer were making way for satin n gossip..i sunk like the Titanic..n buried my head in my chest n cried..its hard being a man sometimes..

NICOTINES A NO-NO, BECAUSE........................................

ok ..so this is supp to help me stop smoking..make a list of reasons y i shld quit..made sense to post it coz i cnt find paper n coz this way i wont lose it..

1) i cant breathe without wheezing
2) i cant climb more than 4 stairs at a time
3) i cough a lot n phlegms really gross these days yellow n goo-ey
4) my lips r black as fuck
5) i could become impotent (is that so bad??)
6) i could lose my modjo (thats definitly bad)
7) my parents will write me out of their will if they catch me agen
8) girls get turned off by the smell (fuck u too)
9) umm..its environmental pollution
10) i could get lung cancer n die(wch seems kinda cool rt now)
11) could cause hair loss (oh fuck)
12) not smoking could save me 30 bucks a day, 900 bucks a month, 10800 a year, wch is a 3 day trip to goa!!!
13) theres no actual proof that smoking ups ur coolness quotient
14) id feel pretty good abt myself if i quit..itd b some proof of will power..

ICY HIGHS : THE SOUNDTRACK .........................................:

so this is kind of like a soundtrack to my moods...its not the most original idea..but making the list kept me awake at work today..

wake up : Chop suey-system of a down

loo : unforgiven-metallica

ride to work: pretty fly for a white guy-offspring

sitting in office: break stuff-limp bizkit

ride back from work: alive-P.O.D.

love: disarm-smashing pumpkins

first date: learn to fly-foo fighters

make out: deep inside of you-third eye blind

sex: fly away-aerosmith

fight: with or without you-u2

break up: when love and hate collide-deff lepp

pining away: like a stone-audioslave

get back together: nearly lost you-screaming trees

i love u: call and answer-barenaked ladies

childhood nostalgia: 1979-smashing pumpkins

drinking n driving wt da boyz: locked up-akon

driving wt da boyz to d club: P.I.M.P-50 cent

in the club: right here right now-jesus jones

beers- tuesdays gone-metallica (styx,ohman!)

first buzz: everlong-foo fighters

dancing away: starry eyed surprise-paul okenfold

doing the train thing gayly: indian groove-magoo feat timbaland

pick-a-fight: wait and bleed-slipknot

black eyes n regret: time of your life-greenday

long distance love: throw your arms around me-eddie vedder

mallu boy: lajjavathi

smoking up alone: hollow years-dream theatre

smokin wt d boyz: shine on you crazy diamond-pink floyd

chemicals: smack my bitch up-prodigy

wasted: down in a hole-alice in chains

pass out: comfortably numb-pink floyd

eligy: the end-the doors