...................WHITHER MASCULINITY ???...........................

im : scared shitless
listening to: nirvana-lithium

today was awful..first of all u shld knw im poorly paid..like really bad..n i feel icky asking my parents for money so the pittance i get shld get me thru a month of ciggies,alcoholism, auto, marijuana induced pastry-n-doughnut binges, phone bill, lunch...right n i alwys fall short by the 20th n pretty much grope my way thru the darkness to payday..keeping all that in mind today i walked into this really cheap-but-cool clothes store n fucked self-suffiecieny to death..i mean i totally made a complete mess of any illusion of financial independence i mite have been able to build up in the last few months by spending like half my income on a pair of cargos ive been wantng for a while n this shirt i just liked..ive alwys been an impulsive person..but impulse-buys? i think not..not freaking clothes anywy..so im definitly broke before break AND im turning into a girl..if thts not a bad day i dont know wt is..not tht theres anythng wrong wt women..i love women..on a physical level anywy..but the thought of sprouting boobs n sitting down to pee after 21 yrs of phallic glee is just depressing..and freaky..n its not just the shopping..couple of days ago i called up a guy i hardly know from office n talked for ten whole minutes abt nothing at all..just like that..i felt bored n called up someone..! an affinity for telephone n shopping-now tHAts a worrisome combination..n its not even just that..some days before that i caught myself watchng that celebrity oops thing on tv..somethng abt desperate housewives' pets..the whole show..30 minutes of unbridled feminine mediocrity..plus these days im not even interested in women..hardcore porn n not a peep out of me..i dont knw if i cn live wt myself anymore..theyre gonna put Ms/Mrs before my name on my passport..ill have to go to the loo wt the queen's pic on the door at bars..n worst of all, i cant wear boxers anymore..im gonna miss u lil man..im sorry i let u down so badly..so my thoughts r pretty much along these lines on the bus home..n im standing..theres an empty seat next to this lady but i dont knw somehw ur not allowed to sit next to women..they assume all men r out to molest them or somethng..so three of us guys r standing lookin wistfully at the seat and swearing unabashedly at the unfairness of it all..n she smiles n gestures to me to sit..i turn arnd n check shes talkin to me..yup..i looked around agen n couple of women from other seats clucked n nodded n smiled encouragment at me to go on n sit..one of the last men standing patted me on my back n pushed me along..it was like an initiation..like they were formally accepting me into womanhood..like it wasnt just a seat on a crowded bus, they were really inviting me to claim my rightful place in the court of Venus..i mean i thought i looked tougher thn both the other guys.. if anybdy cld hav molested tt woman it cldve been me..but she asked me to sit..she picked me out of the horny trinity..like she knew my dirty secret..that beneath scowl n bald head, football n beer were making way for satin n gossip..i sunk like the Titanic..n buried my head in my chest n cried..its hard being a man sometimes..